Coming out of the den, once again

bearden1

(image from http://www3.telus.net/airedales/newsletters/may2004.htm )

Well, my dear readers, it’s been about a month (maybe over a month) since I’ve written anything here. To be honest, I’ve felt like I was silenced out of writing. Back when I wrote about the PTO elections, I was told during a talk with a friend that I was seen as “unstable” by some people because they had read some of the things in my blog. This was from someone who works at my boys’ school. I figured that if I didn’t write anymore, then no one would be able to even try to use anything against me or the boys. Most importantly, I didn’t want anyone to use what I write or what I’m going through against my boys. They’re innocent; they didn’t ask to have me for a mom.

So, I’m going to let it rip. Who in the world is completely “stable”? Why in the world is not OK to be able to write about how I feel, what I’m going through, or what goes through my mind? I’ve had other people comment in previous posts that they’ve been relieved that someone else feels the same way and that they don’t feel alone. Isn’t this the point of this blog?

As I read in a friend’s blog today, “As a popular saying goes: if you can’t accept me at my worst, then you certainly don’t deserve me at my best either.”  I think this rings pretty true for how I’ve been feeling about being silenced out of my own blog.

If you don’t want to read it, don’t click on it. I’m not here to please everyone; I want to be able to write from my heart the way I want to, and be able to hopefully help others to do the same. People don’t always understand what it’s like to live with a mental illness. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. And, don’t judge me by calling me “unstable” because you don’t know the whole story.

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7 responses

  1. It’s nice to see you again, Michelle, but wish it was under happier circumstances.

    You don’t have to be mentally ill to be unstable. At least you are acknowledging and addressing your problems, not taking them out on others. It’s completely inappropriate (not to mention unkind) for your mental health problems to be used as a weapon against you.

    But

    I would say be careful who you give your blog address to because there will be people in your ‘real’ life who will read out of bitchy curiosity and won’t won’t be sympathetic to what you’re going through.

    Take care x

  2. Hi la! It’s so good to see you again. Believe me, I’m learning who is sympathetic and who isn’t the hard way.

    Good point on “you don’t have to be mentally ill to be unstable”. That’s so true.

    I’m hoping to stick around this time. It really hurt to feel like I had to be silenced.

    Hugs, Michelle

  3. That must have been so frustrating. I don’t give my blog address out to anyone that I actually know – why? Well, there are a few reasons. If I gave it to one of my sisters, for example- I’d feel the need to sensor myself so as not to possibly hurt her feelings. I wouldn’t give it to my best friend in real life because it seems those people tend to put me in a “box” and label me- they’ve figured me all out and I’m one dimensional. Do you know what I mean?

    But I’m not. I make mistakes, but I also try to learn from them. I am emotional – and I don’t want to be judged from it. I’ve never met any greater people than my blog friends because they truly do love me for who I really am.

    Whomever is using your blog writings against you clearly doesn’t understand what blogging is all about. It’s about expression, learning, and growing – it’s your own place.

    This is such a frustrating post to read, that there are people out there who would do this sort of thing. GAH!

    I suffer from anxiety and depression as you know and this is maddening!

  4. they better get clear about what “unstable” means!
    Because I got some news for them, we are all unstable.

    Ever met a woman at “that time of the month”? Depression is a very real thing, I suffer through it as have most of my own family on both sides and it isn’t something others should really mess with.

    Now, I can agree with trying to avoid the situation for fear it would impact your sons, because I have that same fear in regard to my own daughter, but you know what?

    If they were going to act that way, they’d probably find another reason to do it anyway…… didn’t matter if they saw the posts or not.

    I hope you know that I care and that yes, your blog, your tweets, your very words indeed, help me understand how I am NOT ALONE in this very scary and often misunderstood world of special needs.

    Jenn

  5. Hi, I’m new to your blog and I just went to twitter to follow you. Someday I’ll catch up on reading your blog. I am convinced my daughter has aspergers- but the state health test just said she was ‘borderline autistic’. She is only 2.5yrs old…when she is over 3 the school district can test her. Until then, I am learning stuff on my own to help her. I suffer from PTSD from abuse in my teens and have bouts of depression and anxiety. Now with my girl having issues- one main issue is no one in the family believes me- some have even said hurtful things. Thank God for the online community or I’d be framed unstable and who knows what would happen!
    PS- no one in my family has my twitter account- I need a place to vent about them! I only connect with them on facebook and I hate how I have to censor myself.
    Well sorry to go on and on- just know people who care are out here. PAS- I love the rose in your twitter pic- gardening is one way to keep my sanity! Michelle

  6. Screw them! People frustrate me. Maybe the ones who are unstable are the ones who conform to the norm and walk like freakin sheep…Just my opinion, though. 🙂

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