In a rut

I’m still alive, out here, trying to survive day to day. I feel like I’m in a rut with everything in my life, especially my blog. I want to write, but always think that I don’t have many exciting things to say, or can’t think of a topic upon which I want to expound.

I guess you could say I’m in my cave again.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been very chatty on Twitter. I think it’s because I can send out a message there, and get almost-instant feedback. I feel lonely, and feel like my computer is my main portal into the social world.

It’s just that I’m overwhelmed. My house is still chaotic, a mess of things, and I don’t know where to start. My therapist says that I’m in a self-sabotage mode. I can never think of anything good about myself.

This medicine I’m on makes me sleepy all the time. It gets to the point where I start nodding off while I’m driving. I told my husband this, and he freaked out. So I told him, “gee, which would you rather have- a Michelle-whose-moods-are-stable, or a Michelle-whose-moods-are-out-of-control?” Then he shot back, “I want a Michelle-who-is-not-going-to-have-a-car-accident-because-she’s-falling-asleep-while-driving.”

My therapist says I need to start journalling again; she says I need to start focusing on the good in my life. It’s hard to do that when all you see are piles of stuff everywhere and you want it neat and clean so you can have friends over.

Friends? Oh yeah, those people you like to be around and whom you hope want to be around you. Silly me… I’d have to have those in order to have them over.

Ugh. I might just delete this post. It sounds like the same crap over and over.


10 responses

  1. Perhaps your rut is associated with vitamin deficiency. Since we eat so much processed foods, sugar, and grain you should check out Read up on krill oil and ubiquinol. Also The Anchoress has a great spiritual blog to visit. Read up on feng shui and how to declutter and create balance in your life. You have the power to change things for the better. God Bless.

  2. Here’s wishing you a pebble in your rut in the (very) near future, one that knocks you out of said rut and puts you on a different (but nearby) path that has you just living life and getting things done again with a bit of pleasure, rather than to oh so familiar stress/blah.

    Tell you what, we could make a deal (pact?) to push each other to do something every (few) day(s) – load of laundry, clear/vacuum a floor, sort out some crap – to de-chaotic/de-clutter our places, and thus maybe our lives a little? Just a thought.

    Anyways, thinking of you and wishing you good healing soon.

  3. Hi, I just stumbled upon your words via twitter. I don’t know your story, or history, but I’ve felt alot of the things you wrote about. As for the blogging, I’ve ignored my blog several times in the past because I didn’t know what to write about, or was worried I was writing about the same things. But you know, I always feel better about things when I’m engaging in my blog. So, keep writing, keep twittering and I hope things feel better soon with everything else……..

  4. Hi, BearTwinsMom,

    Yeah, you have hit an emotional depressive rut. But from the way things sound ( and the tweets I’ve seen), this all looks familiar.

    I am not a great advice giver. Not sure you asked for any. But, I would start w/those meds. Are they new? I know it takes time to get into the system, but they are supposed to help your mood, not sleep deprivation. Don’t know what you are taking, but is anyone willing to try another combo?

    Also, real friends do not care if your house is messy. Real friends actually come over, sit down and fold clothes while they talk. They follow you from room to room and help make beds.

    Unfortunately, if you live in an area like me, you have more online buddies than off. Wish I were closer. I would come over, wash dishes, fold clothes and follow you around while you bash Obama and talk to the twins!

    Hold on. You will come out of this soon.

    Take care,


  5. I don’t really know anything about depression but I do know a good deal about being in a rut and or not knowing where to start with the overwhelmingness of it all. It would be alright if there was something exciting on the horizon but the same old same old is so tedious and boring, especially the drudgery of housework.

    I certainly would invite my friend around and just issue them with a blindfold on arrival, but if they’re really friends they won’t care. If they’re not real friends then why would you want to see them anyway.

    I’m also right with your husband, better a moody spouse than a dead one!

    Journaling or blogging or whatever, something where you write things down is always cathartic [well for me at least] Wishing you a little sunshine amid all the gloom.

  6. Girl, I’m right here with you. I had a very long and hard stretch of depression over the summer. I don’t think mine ever leaves me completly.

    It is not easy to live the lives we live. Don’t let anyone make you feel less than you are.

    You are awesome, and a great person regardless of your house, your social skills, your blog posting…….

    Now, go vacuume a floor. Any floor will do. It made me feel immensly better the other day when I did it. Even though the piles of clothing were everywhere and the bedding needed washing.


  7. Good lord your pist sounds like my pist, or my old one. Write down the good things….I could do that, with a pretty nifty list of bad things to go with said good. Unless you’ve seen through our eyes, it probably just doesn’t make sense. Now go out there and get some sugar free tasty tuesday treats for me…

  8. I came out of my ‘cave’ today and yesterday and love going back into it after seeing what the outside world is like lately!

    Ruts can be good, provided that you don’t have a therapist to tell you that you’re in a self-sabotage mode. I can’t find (or am not motivated?) a topic to expound upon either. I’m not on meds, but due to not getting quite enough sleep, it’s best I don’t drive either.

    You don’t have any friends? I thought I was the only one in that category (to not have any friends to invite over). That explains why my house looks like it does. Oh well… I’m sure my pets don’t mind.

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