Random brain dump

Crawling, crawling, crawling back deep into my shell again. I feel like I keep getting knocked down so many times emotionally that I don’t want to bother with it anymore.

Do people really like me for who I am? Because I don’t find anything in me that I like.

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DH and I had a huge fight before Thanksgiving. He was making comments like “there’s no cure for you”, “why isn’t the therapy working?”, “what’s the deal with all that medication? I thought that would help too”, “you push everyone away”, “no one knows what to do with you”. Something snapped in me while he was making these comments. I told him “you know, when you don’t try to help me, you tell me that you don’t care.” Then he said, “I don’t know what to do.” I replied, “You could love me.”

Silence.

We also had a fight about the current division of labor in our house. I deal with all the education needs, housekeeping, boy-tending. Just keeping up with the boys and education alone is overwhelming, especially with Casey’s needs and extra therapies. I asked my DH to help me with the education part and he kept going on with “you don’t want me to help, you know more, you’re in tune…” Then I blasted back with “there are parents with full-time jobs, with no education background like mine who keep up with their kids”.

Again, something else snapped inside me.

Again, more silence. Then, “you don’t want me to do that,” to which I replied, “fine, don’t do anything.”

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I found out two weeks ago that one of my former students committed suicide. He had brain cancer for 3 years, and was enduring yet another round of chemotherapy. This last round was really messing with his mind. Please pray for his family, his newlywed bride (another former student), and her family.

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I think I’ve written before about how much I hate the holidays. It gets harder each year since we’re still financially strapped. We had to sink $400 into the van for rear brakes and shocks a couple of weeks ago. I told DH, “I’m driving my Christmas present.” Seriously. Granted, I would love yoga classes or guitar classes, but that won’t happen. I’m probably messing with the Universe when I say “it won’t happen”, but I’m pretty sure it won’t. I got a 4-slice toaster last year for Christmas.

The boys wrote out their Christmas lists at the beginning of November. Kerry has a 20 page list (10 pages front and back. He copied pretty much everything he liked from the Toys ‘R Us website), and Casey has one page, front and back. Both boys want a Wii with the Wii Fit. I told them “Santa might not bring everything on your lists… please remember that your list is just a suggestion list for Santa and that you’re not going to have a fit if you don’t get everything you want.”

Problem is that I’d love to get the boys the Wii and the Wii Fit board, too. It was a ton of fun when we played Wii at my friend’s house this summer. I was already thinking of all the possibilities for large/fine motor therapy for Casey with the Wii Fit. Of course, since it’s a popular toy, it’s got a huge price. Do we need it- is it a necessity? No… but the looks on the boys’ faces would be so priceless if we could swing getting one.

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My family situation is another reason why I hate the holidays so much. I haven’t been to a family holiday get-together in over 8 years.The last time I was together with my family was 2 years ago at my great-aunt’s funeral and I was treated like a social pariah. My mother and I haven’t spoken to each other in about 7. Long story short- she married a verbally and emotionally abusive man when I was 11 years old. The abuse was horrible; my mother supported every minute of it, and even jumped in. I swore that when I had kids that they wouldn’t be subject to this man’s abuse. I told my mother that she was welcome to see me and the boys; her husband was not welcome. She thought this was me telling her to choose between me and him; he won.

My uncle- my mother’s brother- calls me about once a week to see how I’m doing. He’s done this since I was partially hospitalized at the psychiatric hospital this past summer. He tells me that the family misses me, and that they love me, but not to expect an “engraved invitation” to come to a get-together. My mother will be there, though. I know she does not miss me. What kind of mother chooses her husband over her own kid?

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We had Casey’s annual IEP a couple of weeks ago. He has “graduated” from weekly OT sessions and is now on consult status with the OT. We added an autism teacher consultant to work with his teachers and with him. Hopefully that will help.

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Why do I keep away from this blog? Why do I feel that I should just drop out twitter? Because I don’t think that anyone really cares. I joined up on a conservative political group for women, and I’ve been listed on another blog for conservative twitters, but I will probably lose following/membership because I’m not writing about politics all the time.

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If you’ve read this far, thank you.

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11 responses

  1. i was thinking family counselling too. my mom was sexually abused as a child and my dad couldn’t get it. So they saw counselors together and omg did that help sooo much!!

    I think maybe you keep away because sometimes seeing it in print makes it more real. And more real is not more fun at all.

  2. Wow. I did read the whole post, thought it was painful from my end, so I can hardly imagine how it is for you. I don’t have any useful comments, unfortunately, but I wanted to let you know that you are not going unheard. People are reading and sympathizing, if that’s any comfort to you.
    take care!
    CJ

  3. Aw hon. What a catch 22 situation. I suffer depression and anxiety and my huz is just a solid pillar in our home. It’s so hard for him to relate to what I go through – they don’t get it, they can’t get it, and even if they did, they can’t get us through it. It’s not like you are choosing to feel this way! I guess all we can do is keep trying to work on getting better. I know for a fact I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my kids. For. A. Fact.

    You need to understand that you are human Michelle. Just human. You are just as lovable and worthy as the next guy. You are special (and dawg gone it, people like you- SNL skit, LOL) – –

    I read a book once called “Boundaries” – It saved my life. Have you heard of it? If not, maybe I can send you a copy?

    I think this was an awesome BRAIN DUMP! Keep writing, keep trying to figure this out- …. Love Love xoxoxoxo

  4. I guess I should count my blessings that my wife is screwed up mentally as much as I am, as we both know where we are coming from.
    As far as Christmas, my little one still want’s everything she see’s, but my older ones are starting to see the light, kinda. It’s gonna be a super tight Christmas here, and we even joked with the kids that Santa’s elves are on strike (A Bloom County Comic ref) I suggest Craigslist and ebay and go cheap.
    hugs!!

  5. Eh, everyone’s burnt out on politics right now anyway… it’s like after the holidays, who wants to go out and spend money. Just write about what’s close to your heart.

  6. Michelle –

    I don’t know how I even came across your blog, but I read this post. All of it. I agree with the poster that talked about “Boundaries”. It can change your life.

    I’m praying for you, your husband and your children that you so obviously love selflessly.

    Did I mention that God loves you too?

    He does.

  7. Wow. There was a lot in that post. I hope it helped to say it all aloud. Sometimes I find that just letting the frustration out into words defines it in a way that helps see how to work on solving things.

    My DH and I have had that same conversation multiple times. I guess the only advantage we have is that I’m the major breadwinner even if he’s working full time. So I can call that shot. We both went to part time to be able to deal with kid issues– which works so far but with no health insurance for either adult. 😦 We’ll keep at it.

    Warm thoughts for you for the new year!

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