It’s hard to be a parent. It’s even harder to be a parent when you have depression. I am seeing the effects of my depression on my sons and it makes me just want to give up even more. Sheesh, if I am screwing up this much as a parent, then why am I even still here on this earth to do more damage?
My stepmother wrote me an e-mail asking me why I’ve given up on myself. Let’s see: I don’t see any value in myself. I don’t see anything likable/ lovable in myself. My house is a wreck. We have no money. I keep pushing people away because of my depression. No one really cares about me, so why should I care about myself? I know- pathetic sounding and a pity party sounding comment as well.
All I want to do is sleep. I don’t want to deal with the world anymore. I haven’t seen the point of the holidays in a long time.
We are going to going to DH’s family for an early Christmas this weekend since his parents are in Florida for the winter. Have we done any shopping? Nope. Do we have any money? Every single penny we have goes right back to bills and food. We need to get new winter coats for the boys. Kerry needs to get his glasses ordered. I still need to pay for my teacher certification renewals.
I don’t want to deal with the holidays because it’s all pointless to me. I hate the commercialization of everything. But, ironically, I want to be able to provide for the boys the Christmas that they want. I also would like to have a nice present besides stocking stuffers. Last year I got a toaster. Granted, at the time I was happy because it is a practical gift and I do like practical gifts. But, I don’t want anything like that this year. I want this house to be improved. I want paint. I want a finished garage. I want the upstairs and the basement to be finished. Of course, nothing a little money can’t fix. Sigh.
I wish I could just pull out this empty sadness that I constantly feel and kill it, instead of wanting to do the unspeakable to myself.
Casey’s parapro for sensory breaks told me yesterday that she’s seen a change in Casey’s personality: more anxiety, crying more. Gee… all the stress at home, my depression is really wreaking havoc on the poor kid.
Would everything/everyone be better without me in it? The voices keep telling me yes.