Depression’s effects on family

It’s hard to be a parent. It’s even harder to be a parent when you have depression. I am seeing the effects of my depression on my sons and it makes me just want to give up even more. Sheesh, if I am screwing up this much as a parent, then why am I even still here on this earth to do more damage?

My stepmother wrote me an e-mail asking me why I’ve given up on myself. Let’s see: I don’t see any value in myself. I don’t see anything likable/ lovable in myself. My house is a wreck. We have no money. I keep pushing people away because of my depression. No one really cares about me, so why should I care about myself? I know- pathetic sounding and a pity party sounding comment as well.

All I want to do is sleep. I don’t want to deal with the world anymore. I haven’t seen the point of the holidays in a long time.

We are going to going to DH’s family for an early Christmas this weekend since his parents are in Florida for the winter. Have we done any shopping? Nope. Do we have any money? Every single penny we have goes right back to bills and food. We need to get new winter coats for the boys. Kerry needs to get his glasses ordered. I still need to pay for my teacher certification renewals.

I don’t want to deal with the holidays because it’s all pointless to me. I hate the commercialization of everything. But, ironically, I want to be able to provide for the boys the Christmas that they want. I also would like to have a nice present besides stocking stuffers. Last year I got a toaster. Granted, at the time I was happy because it is a practical gift and I do like practical gifts. But, I don’t want anything like that this year. I want this house to be improved. I want paint. I want a finished garage. I want the upstairs and the basement to be finished. Of course, nothing a little money can’t fix. Sigh.

I wish I could just pull out this empty sadness that I constantly feel and kill it, instead of wanting to do the unspeakable to myself.

Casey’s parapro for sensory breaks told me yesterday that she’s seen a change in Casey’s personality: more anxiety, crying more. Gee… all the stress at home, my depression is really wreaking havoc on the poor kid.

Would everything/everyone be better without me in it? The voices keep telling me yes.

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11 responses

  1. i think there are a lot of things very likeable about you – like the fact that you care enough about other people, strangers even, to comment on their blogs and offer them support which i know i’ve really appreciated

    and i know its hard to hear, because often i don’t really believe this either, but you do have people who care about you – your family, and especially your sons. they need you, rely on you, and that is one of the deepest forms of unconditional love. you are so important to them that they could never be better off without you. when they’ve grown up, they will appreciate that you’ve been the best mother you possibly could have been, that you kept trying every day and didn’t give up, that’s all we can ask of our mothers, and its something i’m realising as i grow up. all parents have flaws, but we are still grateful for what they gave us.

    from what i’ve read you do sound like a very loving, caring and involved mother, very involved in their education and even holding leadership positions in their school. so basically what i’m trying to say rather inarticulately and wordily, is that i think you are a great mum, and i have seen enough proof of your love for your boys to know that you will not give up.

  2. Your listening to the wrong voices….try tuning to another station. You have bunches and bunches of value and I am sure, you are dearly loved by your kids, but your just having a hard time seeing it right now. You know the cycle, ups and downs, and right now your in funkyville with a flat tire. Fuck the money and the bills, as long as you have family and friends you’ll survive. That’s the attitude that I had to take when I quit my job. We are a family of 5, in a 900 sq. ft. house, which needs much improvement, and I used to worry about having people over…but people didn’t come over to see my house, they came to see my family, which is something I finally kinda realize. I know, blah, blah, blah….Your a good person and a great mom, so please be good to yourself and yours, you deserve it.

  3. *hugs*
    Hang in there. I struggle with this too, with my AS. I find that going for a walk with good music helps the most. Though it’s sometimes hard to get as much as I need.

  4. ignore the voices. usually the voices are selfish and don’t have your best interests in mind.

    do you like to write stuff out? maybe sit down and just write it all out…cry, scream, tear the paper up and start over. sometimes it helps me and sometimes it don’t do crap. i’ve even burned the paper in the sink…something about fire is soothing

  5. You sleep? Can we change ends of the spectrum? I would like to sleep. Forever. But not that way. Feel better lovey, the winter is hard especially when you are depressed.

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