Breaking a depression record

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I’ve fallen into the pit again. The past few days have been interspersed with crying, yelling, dark thoughts, and more crying again. I haven’t been to my therapist in over a month (can’t afford the copayments), and the stress of depression is wreaking havoc on my family.

I had my annual eye appointment today, and when they checked my blood pressure, it was 130/109. It has NEVER been that high. Ever. The doc thinks it might be from all the meds I’m on, or it might be due to the stress. He highly recommends that I go in for a physical to find out what is going on. Sigh. Great. Another thing.

I am so damn tired of this depression shit. I am tired of feeling like my life is worth nothing, that I am worth nothing, and that things would be so much better if I weren’t around. I am tired of feeling alone, being alone, but tortured by my thoughts.

“Gee, you’re so fat and ugly.”

“It’s no wonder you don’t have any friends when you blow up at people like that.”

“Your house is such a mess. Can’t you even keep it clean? No wonder you can’t have people come over. Oh wait.. you don’t have any friends to even invite over.”

Yesterday I was a wreck because of our lack-of-money situation. It is a continual saga of living hand to mouth every day, and not knowing if we’ll have enough to make it to the next paycheck. I was at the grocery store yesterday getting a few things for dinner, and I knew I could not go over a certain amount because that’s what was left in the checkbook. The boys were in rare form (as in fighting, pushing each other’s buttons), Casey wanting to hog the shopping cart (I swear to you he said this: “But Momma, I’m a very good driver.” I laughed and he asked me why I was laughing. I couldn’t tell him the irony of his comment and how it so closely resembled the movie “Rainman”), and I was in a panic because I saw the total rising on the grocery bill. I broke down in tears as I had to tell the cashier to put some things back so I could make the total go down.

Then, Kerry starts crying because Casey was tickling him and he didn’t to be tickled. I yanked Casey away from Kerry, told him to stand by me, and all of this was happening with onlookers. I am sure they were thinking “This woman can’t even control herself or her kids.” I paid the total and we left, all the while I was chastising the boys for their behavior. I was so upset at not only them, but myself and the whole situation.

I know I have said this before, but the only thing that is keeping me from killing myself is my sons. But, with how I’ve been as a mom, I wonder if I’m doing more harm than good. I know this might sound very morbid, but I think I can understand a bit why some suicidal moms kill their kids at the same time- they don’t want to be without their kids. Probably the better explanation is that they are not thinking at all, and the depression is warping everything.

I honestly love my kids more than myself. I don’t really care much for myself. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and seeing what I see. I want to be pretty, more fashionable (although from an article I read in Psychology Today, I’d have to have style, and I know what my style says: mom who doesn’t care about herself), better at being a mom and homemaker, and better at being a wife. I think I suck at all of these.

Then when I think about going back to therapy, I know it’s going to be the same “well, did you do this?” and “did you do that?” and honestly, it FEELS LIKE WORK. I’m tired of working so hard, tired of feeling beat up all the time.

I’m tired of this life. I’m tired of me.

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11 responses

  1. @ FXSmom- The problem is that there are so many things about me that need fixing, hence the work. I wish it were easy, that it felt therapeutic and nurturing, but it doesn’t. It’s hard to nurture your kids when you can’t nurture yourself, and it feels pointless to nurture yourself.

  2. M,
    I am currently in therapy for the same feelings you are having. It’s all babysteps. This week, I have a post-it note stuck to my monitor, and it says “Today I am learning to love myself.” Everytime the evil voices scream inside my head that I am a piece of shit, I am supposed to read the post-it.
    I love you,
    K

  3. Your kids and your husband (and us out here) are lucky, no… blessed to have you.

    (I have a lot more to say on your post, but that is most important for you to know right now)

  4. It sounds like things are really rough for you right now…

    Have you read/seen Jon Kabat-Zinn? Your comment above reminded me of him… he’s a meditation expert, and suggests that the goal is not to be a perfect meditator, but rather the goal is just to be aware of what your mind is doing. The healing comes through simple awareness, not through forcing change. Anyway, you can see him here:
    http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=jon+kabat+zinn&search_type=&aq=0&oq=jon+kabat+
    http://www.oprah.com/article/spirit/inspiration/pkgoprahssoulserieswebcast/20080707_oaf_oss_jkabatzinn

    So, here are my thoughts (ignore them if you didn’t want any). Things are really hard for you right now. It hurts. And that’s okay. Sometimes life is hard and painful. But you are right where you need to be on *your* journey right now, as a mom, as a homemaker, as a wife, as a human. You’re doing what you can… right now. That’s all that matters.

  5. Where is your husband in this post? Where does he fit in?

    (And my experience of therapy is that it can be gruelling. After a session I used to feel emotionally drained for days. It is hard work. It’s one of the toughest things you’ll ever do. But it’s worth it and it will get easier. Hang in there.)

  6. @ Kirsten- When I was in the partial hospitalization program, they had us do this little “creative” activity where we had to choose self-affirmation phrases, put them on post-it notes, and we had to put them around the house. I chuckled to myself because I knew that my brain would not accept those canned phrases. When I told my social worker that, he said “Well, why is it so easy for you to accept the negative about yourself?” I said “Because it’s true.” Then he shot back, “Well, what really is true?” Ack. I hated that.

    I love you lots, too, dear. We’ve been through a lot together. I still want that bracelet! 🙂

    @ Arkay- I’m blessed to have you as a friend. Thank you for saying those kind words.

    @ wrongshoes- Thank you so much for your personal email. It means a lot to me that you took the time to write to me directly. I will need to check out that link. I’ve been more interested in mediation since I’ve read “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert. Maybe I need to learn more about being in the moment and accepting things as they are, even though I want things to be perfect.

    @ la- Hubby causes a lot of the stress and depression, even though he tries very hard to help out. I end up lashing out at him a lot because I get overwhelmed with everything I have to do, and I have meltdowns. I’m trying to hang in there without hanging myself. I’m tired of these voices and feelings. Thanks for stopping by, sweetheart. I know you’ve had your share of dark moments, too.

  7. ‘I am tired of feeling like my life is worth nothing, that I am worth nothing, and that things would be so much better if I weren’t around. I am tired of feeling alone, being alone, but tortured by my thoughts.’

    I feel exactly the same way!

  8. Well, if you would just move downstate (there’s tons of houses for sale down here, no kidding) and become a neighbor, we could start a nice local support group….Of course, I would love to move up by you but, you know, money sucks.
    I hope you snap out of this, cause you are such a caring person and fun and beautiful. Just gotta snap out of this cycle, which I’ve been down as you know. I look back at my journal and I’ve said many a times, “If it wasn’t for my wife, my kids…” But, I also know the other side of suicide, and the pain, as with my brother who did himself, and it sucks, and it is selfish. But sometimes that anger and depression can make you react on such an emotional basis, that the thought process doesn’t have time to kick in, which is where you gotta step back and say Hang On. This world is a much better place because your on it, no shit whatsoever.

  9. I’ve read a few of your posts and you sound like you feel the way I do lately. I’ve struggled with depression for years. I haven’t been to a therapist/doctor for at least a year because I didn’t like my last one. I need to try again with someone else.

    I really hope you feel better.

    Take care!

  10. Oh my…I am so sorry you are going through this. I know…I hear those same voices when I am depressed. It is all an illusion…the depression tells us things which are not true.

    So listen to these messages instead:

    You are a good mom. You are worthy. You matter. Your family needs you.

    Please keep plugging along…day by day…minute by minute. You are going to make it.

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