Don’t burst my bubble, and other observations

Warning: May contain some adult language.

It’s been a long week here for me. A very good friend blessed me with the use of her garage, home, and time so I could run a garage sale this week on Thursday and Friday. It was a ton of work, and I am not exaggerating one bit. I brought my boys since she also has twins; two other sets of twins to be exact (you can read her excellent blog here.)

I have been quite introverted these past two weeks, and been comparing myself to people I know in real life and also “virtual” (aka internet friends whom I know through blogging.) Plus, Casey and I had our initial consultation with the neuropsychologist at the end of last month, and we have our testing scheduled. More on that later in this post.

Back to the comparisons: I will be the first one to admit that I am my own worst critic. I always think that I am not that smart, pretty, talented, not a great mom… you get the picture. I read some of my friends’ blogs that illustrate their scrapbooking talents, or demonstrate how spectacular their homeschooling efforts are, or go visit a friend in real life and then BAM- it hits me- that ache that I constantly feel. The you’ll-never-be-good-enough feeling; the you’re-not-loved feeling; the emptiness; the loneliness sears through me like a hot knife. I compare myself to what I don’t have, then forget what I do have. Then, I realize that I do have is very little, then the feelings crash over me again with more intensity.

When Casey and I went to the neuropsychologist, he told me during our consultation that my life is in bubbles: I have a PTO bubble, a grad school bubble, a Parent Advisory Committee bubble, a parenting bubble, but once I’m outside those bubbles, THAT’S when I feel empty, alone, and depressed. He mentioned that I’m a strong leader in those bubbles, so that’s why I’m happy in those roles. I mentioned this to my therapist, and she said “Those bubbles are all inside you; you are not empty. Just make more bubbles to fill yourself up.” I have empty bubbles, too. Do those count?

I’ve tried to contact some of the people that I know outside of those “bubbles” to get together to do something, but to no avail. One person has actually never returned my phone calls nor emails. Granted, I know people are busy, but my goodness, just let me know that you’re busy and that it’s not ME that you don’t want to be with. Shit, even if it is me you don’t want to be with, just tell me. Then I’ll know where I stand.

I may not be the most socially graceful person to be around. But, if someone is my friend, I am incredibly loyal. Right now, I’m receiving very little reciprocity in the loyalty department. Hell, haven’t much lately. This not only includes friends, but family, too. Especially immediate family. I keep giving and giving and giving and keep hoping for a return on my giving.

You know how ironic it is when your car’s fuel gauge is frozen completely on full? It leaves you guessing when you have to stop to fill up the gas tank. We figured out that I can go about 136 miles until I have to fill up again. I actually laughed when I saw that the gauge needle wasn’t moving. It would be just my luck to be stranded on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere with the boys.

My friend, her friend, and I worked our asses off at the garage sale. The boys and I got home late last night. The house looked like it was a bachelor pad. I was so upset. Then, DH didn’t even mention how much he appreciated the hard work. I made a sarcastic comment about it before he left with the boys today to go up north and he got upset, “of course I appreciate it.” Then act like it, damn it. I’m tired of bending over backwards and getting kicked in mid-bend.

Photo courtesy of hebedesign, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved.

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22 responses

  1. >>Granted, I know people are busy, but my goodness, just let me know that you’re busy and that it’s not ME that you don’t want to be with.

    I hear ya. I went to bed crying the other night because of this. I get that people are busy and have their own lives but it doesn’t take a minute to send a text message, call walking from the bus stop to the house, write on a facebook wall or whatever and it makes me feel crappy when I do those things and they ignore me. One it’s just plain rude and two it makes me wonder what’s wrong with me, why am I not good enough? And yet these are the same people who phone me and talk for hours and want me to come over when they’ve got a problem. Low return friends suck.

  2. First, cool pic! I haven’t had any tea yet today so be prepared for a messy comment. *pokes mom*

    I think we all can tend to be our own worst critics–unless some people out there have seriously massive egos or something–and as a result they just think they’re the cat’s pyjamas, bee’s knees and all of that. However, for us nutcases, we feel it so much more deeply. Also, we may view things through a more warped lens due to our disorders/illnesses?

    When we become a bit more stable, we can hopefully get a better grasp on “the grass is always greener,”concept. I’ve had several discussions with people also (usually regarding a romantic relationship scenario) where they will view a couple and say, “Oh, well they look so happy! They must have everything!” I turn around and say to them cautiously…not so fast… You can’t see beneath the surface.

    Bubbles. Interesting concept. That one’s kind of got me thinking. What the hell are my bubbles! *laughing* Bloody bubblehead!!!

    Ack. The people who never return your calls, just disappear, never seem to give valid reasons why–and they’re your friends! Yep. I can relate to that and I just don’t understand either. It does leave you in a quandary doesn’t it?

    I too have said…yes, yes…I understand you’re busy but when the pattern goes on and on, it does get a little tiring, does it not? With one “friend” I am just about to give up entirely!

    DH. Well, to me, that is…well, even more difficult as he is your partner. A little more support, please?

  3. Hey there MG! I just want you to know that everybody has their own crap! And what is very important to remember is the word “APPEAR”. Many people appear to have it all together or to be very happy or whatever it may be. I’ve been having a hard time lately too. I feel like you! I was talking to a friend the other day about this. She said she had been going to counseling. I was shocked because I thought for sure SHE of all people had it together. And she thought I have it all together over homeschooling. When actually I feel so insecure.

    You’ve also got to remember that MOST people when they blog will typically blog about the good things. It’s all about APPEARANCES!

    Now this is something I didn’t want to write but find it important. No one likes to be around a downer. I found this out the hard way. When I was raped I went through a lot of counseling. It is important to TALK about how you feel. It is a way of healing. However, what I found out, is that most people can’t handle it and they don’t want to hear it. I’m definitely not saying this is the right thing to do, but I eventually shut up and that is when I started making new friends. It’s ironic. You should talk to heal, but I guess you need to find the right audience to listen.

    I mean it’s your blog- you should be able to write anything you darn well please. Anyway thats my 2 cents.

    Oh and I know how somethings come across wrong in writing. I’m attempting to be empathetic and hopefully helpful in some way.

  4. You know what, Chelle… when you have two constant weeks of just wanting to die, then you can come back to tell me that no one wants to be around a downer. I also have a child with autism. Do you have any idea how LONELY that can be when you have people staring at you when your child who looks like he’s 10 years old is having a meltdown like a 3 year old? Do you have any idea what it’s like to not have any support at all, and then have someone come on your blog and make comments like “no one wants to be around a downer” when you already feel like the world is better off without you?

    Thanks so much for your “kind” comments.

  5. OMGsh- I didn’t mean it like that at all!!!!! Can I call you? I was trying to be empathetic, saying I understand where you are coming from. That I’ve been there. And unfortuantely I found out the hard way that no one seems to want to listen.

    I am not the type of person to say anything mean about anyone!

    I care about you and that’s the only reason why I typed that out. Please please please re-look at it. I’m just saying it is like a catch 22. It is healing to write about it or talk about it, but it appears that no one wants to listen. That has been MY experience.

    I’m not saying don’t write! I’m just trying to agree with you how lonely it is- I’ve been there.

  6. Wow angry ballerina is angry. 😦 I totally can see why you are having issue M. We need to find you some loving and huggable friends. And if it makes you feel better I’m so like you in so many ways. I can’t scrapbook. I don’t homeschool. I function at work but that’s about all. Ummm…I think I’m ugly and “know” anyone is trying to spare my feelings who tells me otherwise. And I also live in bubbles. When I’m not in a bubble I’m not doing so hot. I do my damndest to never be without my bubbles. I don’t even know what to fill my empty bubbles up with!! I wish you lots of good vibes coming your way and that you can see the sunshine despite the rain. 🙂

  7. “It’s all about appearances.” Wow…now that’s deep.

    “It is important to TALK about how you feel. It is a way of healing. However, what I found out, is that most people can’t handle it and they don’t want to hear it. I’m definitely not saying this is the right thing to do, but I eventually shut up and that is when I started making new friends.”

    It’s not the right thing to do, but you did it anyway, to make “friends”. Nothing like being someone else to make other people happy, because that’s what’s important.

    Shiny Happy People!

    PS, in a positive glowing note, LOVE YOU BTM!!!!!!

  8. Wow! I have really stirred things up.

    My heart was in the right place.

    MG I still care about you and I’m not going to leave. I do wish you would let me talk to you over the phone. Then I think you would understand that this was all a big misunderstanding. I have emailed you my phone number b/c I do not have yours. I will gladly call you back or you can email me your number.

    Anyway, I’m praying for you and I hope all goes well tomorrow.

  9. Wow, depression is tough and complicated. I know I have lots of depressions and tons of issues, and I know being that way can bring other people down or maybe even feel contagious to them. I know it keeps people at a distance when I could use people in my life.

    But really, I have to be the sad person and allow it. I don’t think I can heal unless I can get to a point where I can share it and express it. And its hard to find people who allow me to do that and accept me for who I am.

    Its fine line though, isn’t? I gotta be myself and heal, but its hard to make friends when your not feeling so well. Its hard to be funny or jolly or do those things that allow friends in and keep them around. I don’t know much about depression, I’m new to it, but it sure seems complicated.

  10. I think each and everyone of us is a “hot mess” just searching for the truth, who we are, and how to fit in. I actually loved reading this post because it’s the first post where I felt like we were sitting together having a real conversation. You are awesome, even if you haven’t figured that out yet. Take care of yourself Michelle!

  11. BTM-
    I am so, so sorry you are having such a fucking shitty time. It totally sucks!

    I do think you may want to re-look at Chelle’s comment. I agree with what she said, and I took it as a caring, empathic comment. Unfortunately, she is exactly correct. MOST people CAN’T handle anything other than “shiny happy people.” It is a reflection on THEIR character, NOT YOURS. It sucks.

    What worked for me when I lost friends is I shifted my focus to talking with people who could handle it–the professionals in my life. When that wasn’t enough, I connected with more professionals, the local NAMI organization, and did more writing.

    I’m not suggesting you do any of the above–rather, just letting you know how I dealt with the pain of “friends” falling out of my life. Those “friends” originally caused me much pain with their ignorance and absence. Over time, the pain lessened–though it still stings if I allow myself to dwell on it too much.

    This illness SUCKS. It steals everything we know and are comfortable with. It steals our soul. For me, once I accepted that fact and tried to focus on what I could do, and what I could control–vs. what I couldn’t do or control (i.e. other people)–my life got a little easier. Again, just letting you know what has worked for me–when I am able to do it!

    There are a select few people with whom I confide what is “really” going on in my life. If I am around others outside that select few, I try to look at it as a time of distraction–a time to just be in that moment and a distraction from my internal strife. But I can only do that when I am in a slightly better space than the deep hole you seem to be in right now. When I’m feeling like super-duper, mega crap–I can’t handle much of anyone or anything, and everything I interpret, I interpret in the worst possible light. It’s a shitty place to be, and I hate it.

    I am praying for you. I hope you received my e-mail, too. I just want you to get the best possible help you deserve right now. Please, please take care of yourself. Be kind to you and to those around you, and hang on tight!
    Let me know if I can be of any help.
    Hugs-
    etta

  12. Thanks for writing – I can certainly empathize with what you’re talking about (having felt a lot of it myself). I really appreciate your honesty. Take care!

  13. ‘Back to the comparisons: I will be the first one to admit that I am my own worst critic. I always think that I am not that smart, pretty, talented…
    …it hits me- that ache that I constantly feel. The you’ll-never-be-good-enough feeling; the you’re-not-loved feeling; the emptiness; the loneliness sears through me like a hot knife. I compare myself to what I don’t have, then forget what I do have. Then, I realize that I do have is very little, then the feelings crash over me again with more intensity.’

    I can so totally relate to this.

  14. I like the bubble analogy. I recently moved and lost all bubbles. I am now so depressed. I SHOULD be happy. Great husband, well off, beautiful house, even good looking and was sexy….. but I am so depressed. I miss my job, friends and family. I miss the air of my old city and all the familiar landmarks. I had a couple of really dear friends in new city and I think my depression has scared them away. I loved them so much and am really devastated. It feels so sad because the life I had without depression was beautiful….
    Feels like there is no way out of this mess…..

    I hate depression… it is a cruel ugly illness that steals all joy. Joy is what makes the days special. I have not had joy for three months. Not sure how to keep going on.

    • I know how you feel. Try to keep reaching out because that will help you feel better. I know it’s ironic because when we’re in our deepest depression, the least thing we want to do is reach out to other people. We feel like no one really wants to be around us because we are so depressed. Keep talking…. I’m here listening.

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