Warning: May contain some adult language.
It’s been a long week here for me. A very good friend blessed me with the use of her garage, home, and time so I could run a garage sale this week on Thursday and Friday. It was a ton of work, and I am not exaggerating one bit. I brought my boys since she also has twins; two other sets of twins to be exact (you can read her excellent blog here.)
I have been quite introverted these past two weeks, and been comparing myself to people I know in real life and also “virtual” (aka internet friends whom I know through blogging.) Plus, Casey and I had our initial consultation with the neuropsychologist at the end of last month, and we have our testing scheduled. More on that later in this post.
Back to the comparisons: I will be the first one to admit that I am my own worst critic. I always think that I am not that smart, pretty, talented, not a great mom… you get the picture. I read some of my friends’ blogs that illustrate their scrapbooking talents, or demonstrate how spectacular their homeschooling efforts are, or go visit a friend in real life and then BAM- it hits me- that ache that I constantly feel. The you’ll-never-be-good-enough feeling; the you’re-not-loved feeling; the emptiness; the loneliness sears through me like a hot knife. I compare myself to what I don’t have, then forget what I do have. Then, I realize that I do have is very little, then the feelings crash over me again with more intensity.
When Casey and I went to the neuropsychologist, he told me during our consultation that my life is in bubbles: I have a PTO bubble, a grad school bubble, a Parent Advisory Committee bubble, a parenting bubble, but once I’m outside those bubbles, THAT’S when I feel empty, alone, and depressed. He mentioned that I’m a strong leader in those bubbles, so that’s why I’m happy in those roles. I mentioned this to my therapist, and she said “Those bubbles are all inside you; you are not empty. Just make more bubbles to fill yourself up.” I have empty bubbles, too. Do those count?
I’ve tried to contact some of the people that I know outside of those “bubbles” to get together to do something, but to no avail. One person has actually never returned my phone calls nor emails. Granted, I know people are busy, but my goodness, just let me know that you’re busy and that it’s not ME that you don’t want to be with. Shit, even if it is me you don’t want to be with, just tell me. Then I’ll know where I stand.
I may not be the most socially graceful person to be around. But, if someone is my friend, I am incredibly loyal. Right now, I’m receiving very little reciprocity in the loyalty department. Hell, haven’t much lately. This not only includes friends, but family, too. Especially immediate family. I keep giving and giving and giving and keep hoping for a return on my giving.
You know how ironic it is when your car’s fuel gauge is frozen completely on full? It leaves you guessing when you have to stop to fill up the gas tank. We figured out that I can go about 136 miles until I have to fill up again. I actually laughed when I saw that the gauge needle wasn’t moving. It would be just my luck to be stranded on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere with the boys.
My friend, her friend, and I worked our asses off at the garage sale. The boys and I got home late last night. The house looked like it was a bachelor pad. I was so upset. Then, DH didn’t even mention how much he appreciated the hard work. I made a sarcastic comment about it before he left with the boys today to go up north and he got upset, “of course I appreciate it.” Then act like it, damn it. I’m tired of bending over backwards and getting kicked in mid-bend.
Photo courtesy of hebedesign, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved.