When the past comes back to haunt you

I really want to give a HUGE thanks to all my friends who gave such fantastic advice to my friend Etta about her situation regarding her mom. I know I can count on my friends to help me out, but it is such a huge blessing when you have friends help other friends. It really touches my heart deeply.

Etta has written an incredibly touching post about what has happened since her plea for advice.

Reading her post has opened up some old wounds for me. It also makes me reflect very hard about how good my relationship is with my sons. My other good bloggin’ buddy, Misterbooks, wrote about how he has been touched about his kids’ growing up, and how this has made him reflect about his growing up.

Those old scars from our parents never do heal completely. My mother and I have not spoken to each other in almost 7 years. The last time I saw her was at my great-aunt’s funeral last year. I was verbally and emotionally abused by not only my mother, but by her husband as well. (My adoptive dad lives on the other side of the US, and I hardly get to see him much. Our relationship is very weak because of all the things that happened while I was growing up. That is definitely another post, or most likely a book.)  I swore that when I became a mother, I would not have this arrogant, abusive person (my mother’s husband) be around my children. Ever. Period. My mother was welcome to come and visit, but he wasn’t.

It took me a long time to build up the courage to say that to my mother. I always dreamed of the mother/daughter relationship that many women brag about. “Oh, she’s my best friend”…. “I can’t imagine life without my mom, she is such a wonderful person.” But, I never had that. I tried.. oh how I tried. But, it never happened. I thought that maybe there would be a chance if the arrogant jerk wasn’t around that we could try to rebuild our relationship.

She took my request as an ultimatum. Either choose her daughter, or choose her husband. Now, for me, I thought that the choice would be me since I was her blood, her only child. I thought wrong.

Reading Etta’s and Misterbooks’ posts reminded me that we are always still searching for that parental approval, even though our parents were messed up. We still want to be told that we are good kids, and we are loved unconditionally for who we are.

I was always told that I was the cause of all the problems in the family. I was a selfish b*tch. I could never do anything right. If I got an A-, why wasn’t it an A? I was fat. I was this, that, or the other; insert any negative, hurtful thing you could think of. The arrogant jerk was the one who mostly instigated the fights, then blamed everything on me, and my mother believed him over me.

It reminds me of my magnet that I have on my fridge. It says “It’s easier to build a child than to repair an adult.” I try so hard to build my children up, but I’m so afraid that I’m not doing it right. That I’m making mistakes that are going to doom them. I tell them all the time how proud I am of them, how much I love them, and how important they are to me.

I wish someone had done that for me. My grandmother did, but unfortunately, she’s dead and has been for 11 years.

I hate it when the memories haunt me every day.

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4 responses

  1. Oh, BTM…
    I am so sorry this has dredged up the past, and even more sorry you had to live with an asshole like I did (my dad).

    I do want to note, however, that my post from last night/early this morning is NOT about my mom. Actually, I told my mom I wasn’t comfortable with her reading my blog today. You know what she said? “Okay.” As I said, my mom and I have both grown and have a much better relationship today. And I want to double, triple thank everyone who commented and helped me out! And thank you, BTM, for letting me guest post!

    The post I wrote last night is actually about my EX! My ex popped up out of the blue by leaving a donation for Puck on my site. I don’t think my ex knew that I knew the new last name, but I recognized who it was and emailed back. We haven’t spoken, and I haven’t wanted to know anything about my ex’s life, for years. IRONIC, huh? I’m over here asking for help with my mom, and then I end up telling someone else NOT to read my blog before I even got to tell my mom! BTW, my ex also said, “Okay.”
    But it was too late…now I am swamped with old, conflicted emotions; resentment and love, fondness and sadness, clarity and confusion…ugh…and hurt. Can’t forget the hurt.

    I hope all of this helps us both heal a bit…
    Hugs to you-
    etta

  2. BTM…hmmm….I guess I could call you that instead of Bearmomma all the time… We seem to be on the same sentimental path, and we both seem to be doing the same now, as in the choices for our children. I don’t know how many times my wife and I have told our kids that we don’t want them to have a childhood like we did. Last night they were doing there typical sibling squabbles, which sometimes gets out of hand. My wife sat all three down and discussed with them the subject family and love. Poor kids had to sit there for an hour, but they learned something, this I know.
    The past sucks, and will exist in our mental and physical scars. But at least we are trying to break the cycle for the benefit of our kids.
    Peace and hugs to you,

    PS as far as your families past comment to you as a “selfish B”, that is such a sad scar on the beautiful person I relate with now.

  3. I’ve been in the exactly same spot as you with the whole mom thing…and I’ve been through 2!! It sure does hurt cuz this is your MOM. But they are human too. Sadly.

    Now it breaks my heart to see my stepdaughter going through the exact same thing with her mom. It is a wound that will never heal. It may scab over but that is about it.

  4. @ etta- Sheesh… Can I be any more blonde than what I am? LOL I was trying to connect dots when there were no dots to connect. Forgive me?

    @ Misterbooks- You’re going to make me cry from that sweet comment.

    @ FXSMom- “It is a wound that will never heal.” You are SO right about that. It replays in my mind every day like a DVD on autoplay.

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