I’m etta from Depression Marathon. My pal, BTM, is being incredibly kind and letting my post this dilemma here so that I may get some feedback from people much smarter than I (and hopefully from some other moms, too!) Please, any words of advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated! Thanks, and here goes:
The Dilemma: Mom finally asked for the address of my blog.
The Important (brief) Background: I grew up in a verbally, emotionally and physically abusive home. I hated my mom after she left my father when I was twelve. I didn’t understand at the time that he was beating her up, too. I lived with father and encouraged my two younger brothers to do the same. Father was primary abuser. A few years later, my two younger brothers escaped to go live with my mom and had normal pre-teen and teenager experiences with mom and step-dad. I ended up in a foster home, in another town, for entire high school senior year due to father’s abuse. No longer have relationship with father, my choice. Have distant, sometimes strained relations with three brothers. We are all adults, ages 36-41.
Mom is on third spouse now. We have a good, sometimes even close relationship, and I really enjoy her partner, too. Mom has apologized for her part of abuse. I apologized for hating her. But we are not a close family, and even though my mom and I are probably the closest we’ve been, I still prefer her at a bit of distance. She tends to get “too interested” otherwise. For example, I don’t mind letting her know the general overview of what’s happening in my life, but I rarely give her much insight into how I am feeling about what is happening. Still doesn’t feel safe, I guess.
My mom knows little about most of the details of my depression–just the facts, and probably not all of those. I am sure she has no idea how many times I was hospitalized or attempted suicide, for example, because I know there were times when I didn’t tell her. She knows I am in recovery, but she knows NOTHING about my drinking history.
My mom is a big Al-Anon’er (started 25 years ago while living with an alcoholic after divorcing my father. I did not grow up around alcohol or alcoholism at all). The trouble is, she was and still can be quite self-righteous and preachy about the Al-Anon principals. It drove me and my brothers nuts when we were growing up! I think it bothered us because she was talking the talk but not walking the walk. She parrots the correct sayings, but in reality she is very interested in other people’s business, can be very judgmental, and often focuses on the negative–basically, the antithesis of the Twelve Steps. It took me many months to even mention that I was in recovery and especially that I was in AA. (She didn’t have a clue about my drinking–nobody did, I was a solo-drunk.)
So What: My blog is obviously quite personal–more personal than I am with my mom and even most of my very few friends. One post mentions my mom specifically, in a factual way, but in a way that may hurt her feelings. This same post discusses the rift between a younger brother and I, a rift my mom knows nothing about, as it was caused by a disagreement over purchasing her 60th birthday gift.
If mom reads Depression Marathon she will also follow links to my posts at The Second Road which are about my drinking and recovery! If she reads any of this, she will want to comment to me or my brothers, ask me questions, have discussions, rationalize or defend, etc… As far as I know, none of my brothers are aware of my blog address either.
The BIG Question: What do I do? What should I do? Moms? Bloggers? Adult children of F*#!ed-Up Families? Please, please HELP!!! Any thoughts, ideas, or suggestions you may have would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you so much-