Another ironic observation

How can it be that I feel so alone when I’m surrounded by people all day and night? And why is it that when  I want to reach out to friends, I’m afraid that I’ll be seen as just an attention-seeker, when it’s the connection and love of friends that I NEED to help me get out of this hole? Plus, it’s ironic that I have more connections in the cyber world than in the “real world”. I’m always longing for a personal email or a comment on my blog that tells me that someone is reading what I’m writing, or someone is thinking about me and thinks what I’m doing is good.

I had my appointment with my therapist today, and she said that I’m at the bottom of the pit again (gee… I figured that one out from sleeping all day yesterday and wanting ice cream for dinner last night.) She said, “I can give you the ladder, but it’s up to you to decide to climb out of the pit.” She said that yes, it is going to feel like a lot of work to try to connect with friends, but I need to do this. If I don’t, I’m going to be looking up from the bottom of that pit for a long time.

 

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18 responses

  1. >>I’m always longing for a personal email or a comment on my blog that tells me that someone is reading what I’m writing, or someone is thinking about me and thinks what I’m doing is good.

    *waves*

  2. Um. Some of us think of you and pray every day missy. And miss you terribly, wanting to know when you’re going to be available for chatting, etc. Even if the time is spent only talking about you, it’s still a pleasure to be your friend. Because you are loved. And missed. But. Perhaps we figure you’re going through so much that we don’t want to intrude or be a burden, or cause you to start thinking about all the problems all over again when you may instead be having a moment of peace. But we still miss you. And love you.

    School is out shortly, so we can come and PLAY! Let’s hold a garage sale! Let’s throw some paint on a wall! Let’s see a baseball game!

    Did I mention yet that you’re loved? And missed?

    (((((((((((((Michelle)))))))))))))))

  3. As I’ve FINALLY made it a couple of steps up the ladder myself, consider this a hand reaching down to help lift you up a step or two beside me. You are far from alone on your journey.

    Not only is what you have been doing good, YOU are also good. Your kind comments on my blog are just one example.

    As for the ice-cream supper, a very wise friend of mine once said, “Sometimes you have to do dessert first!” (as I said a VERY wise friend) 🙂

  4. Sounds to me like your therapist doesn’t really understand that you’re brain, which is you, is calling the shots. I mean, wouldn’t we all be climbing the fucking ladder if all we had to do was “put one foot in front of the other”.

    Anyway, we love ya just the way you are. When you can, I’m sure you’ll feel/do better. Jesus.

  5. Everyone needs to feel loved, everyone gets down (every single one of us), it’s the roller coaster of life. Don’t ever feel alone; because I assure you that you’re not.

    Keep working Michelle – You have so many blessings in your life and what ever you do, don’t ever think you are alone. I’m right around the cyber corner…..

    HUGS! 🙂

  6. Connecting with friends is sooo hard. But you can do it.

    Ya know exercise really helps with depression cuz of the whole endorphin thing. Do you live in a place where you can take an evening stroll?? Do you have a friend nearby that you could walk with? Even walking with your kids may help as well.

    I started walking with the girls this week and I’ve been LOVING the evening air and that time with them. When I get home I feel amazing!! And we aren’t out power walking or nothing. Just strolling around the neighborhood checking out flowers and stuff.

    Usually I can tell if I forgot my Zoloft. This morning I felt so good that I couldn’t remember if I took or not. My oldest boy reminded that I hadn’t taken it last night. I fell asleep on my book.

    It may be worth a shot. The first steps are the hardest but just like with everything it can get easier.

  7. Where’s your DH with all of this. From what you have written, he is hard working and does care. But you know men, they don’t know how to express anything right that doesn’t involve a wrench or something mechanical! Maybe your family just does not know how to turn your wrench to help fix you! What have you done to help them learn and understand. Here’s what I did that did not work… harsh criticism. Telling him what a lousy listener he was, that he did not care, that he did not fufill me emotionally. I learned through a caring counselor that when I paint a picture using negative words and examples, all I did was paint him into a corner. My DH could only try to defend himself, and eventually stopped trying to respond. I didn’t leave him much choice. It’s like using negative reinforcement instead of positive reinforcement. You just posted about the Florida teacher having her class vote out the special needs student. That poor kid is going to suffer from that negative experience for a very long time. But what happens when you have a positive, reinforcing environment? You know what good things can happen with positive reinforcement. So, what can you do to promote a positive environment with your family? My DH just couldn’t respond to my negative behavior, he just couldn’t. And I blamed him. All the time. He was the cause of my problems, so I believed. Look, if your DH is a halfway decent guy, I am sure he wants to do the right thing, but probably has no idea what to do. Does he know what progress you make in therapy sessions? I never shared anything with my DH. Do you keep bringing up old mistakes he has done as examples of his failings? I did. I found that when I finally tried positive encouragement and shared what was happening in my mind with him, he actually did open up, and his attitude toward me became mush more positive. My DH likes to fish, and he has several buddies he goes out with once a month. It used to make me angry. Why should he have friends when I don’t? I’m not going out, why should he? What I didn’t think of is that here is a guy in a house with all girls, and a guy needs to be a guy. Men are different than us; they play different and act different when they are with their friends. I think it’s crazy, but then again, he thinks my scrapping is a little crazy, too. I found that he was a happier guy when he had a little “guy time” once a month or so. And why should I complain? He’s always there for me and the kids, he does most everything I ask, he works hard to provide for us, and he’s good in the bedroom, too! Since I brought it up, I have to admit that with depression, I used to have problems in that department. I learned that he didn’t know if he should try to “start things up”, so to speak and had trouble communicating to me his needs and desires. Not surprising; first off, he is a man, and they don’t communicate well; second, he didn’t know how to approach me. So, I let him sweat it out and nothing happened. I would just wait for him to initiate something, and nothing would happen. Now c’mon, I did say he is a man, and men are supposed to want sex all the time! Once communications channels opened up and I could communicate to him my desires, then things really changed! I could control the situation, and still have my intimate desires fulfilled. A man can be good for at least one thing! (JUST KIDDING!) Ok, enough of that. Listen, it all has to start with you (duh), and it sounds like that is the message you are hearing. People will not just come to you. You are kind of like a mirror. The image you project is the image people will return to you. It’s true. Think of the nicest person you know. When you greet them, and they are all smiles and friendly, what do you do? You smile right back at them and engage them in a positive manner. Now think about the grumpiest person you know. When you greet them and they are all grumpy and miserable toward you, how do you respond? You might be quiet and meek toward them. Unless, you can have a stronger, positive personality. In that case, maybe you can become a bright spot in their day! Look, I’ve been through a lot, and every day is not all wine and roses, but I learned that it starts with me. Now, what if you were a person who’s primary mental health problem was based on dislike of social situations? (That article about the kid has me thinking about the Aspies out there.) I think you still have to try to be positive. Granted, there will be lots of situations that you will have to go through with your family that you won’t like (family reunions, big cities, school functions, etc.) but if you are sour about doing it, then you will bring everyone down who likes those things. Now, are they being inconsiderate for making you do those things? I hope not, and I hope that they will try to balance those activities with those things you prefer. It’s all give and take, and it can happen. Your challenge is communication, and it’s you that has to open the channels and teach those around you how to do it. That’s my opinion, and your situation might not be like mine. That’s what I had to do. Here’s what I know from my experience: Hubbies are usually well-meaning, but functionally illiterate in the ways of expressing warmth and feelings. My hubbie expresses warmth and feelings by drywalling a room in the house or fixing my car. To him, he’s proving something essential that only someone who cares about someone would do! Mowing the lawn and taking out the trash is his way of expressing how he cares about his family and their well-being. Of course, that hardly satisfies most women. They want dim lighting and cuddling during a chick-flick while getting a back massage. OK, that’s what I want! (hee hee) And my dear dear DH does deliver these things (sometimes) but I have to help steer him toward them. A seductive comment always helps (men are so easy to steer once you figure out how to drive them… but be careful, because it’s sometimes hard to shut off the engine once you get them started, if you know what I mean). We women have the power if we can figure out how to use it. I know I am digressing again. You are told to “climb the ladder out,” and that is a hard thing to do, especially when you think that there is no one there to help you. But there are people there, caring, good people in the form of friends and family who want to help, are well-meaning, but they don’t have the tools. How can they help hold the ladder if they don’t know what the ladder looks like? I am thankful every day for what I have. I look around and there are people who have more money, are more successful, seem more mentally stable (are they really?) but yet I wouldn’t trade places with them. God gave me my situation and has placed challenges in front of me for a reason, and I am not going to let Him down. Love your family, love your DH, and love the Lord. Don’t listen to your emotions — you are a women, and we don’t know how to control them! Trust your gut, don’t read things into a situation, go with the flow. Try to participate in things, even if they are really way out of your comfort zone. You might learn something (you might learn that you still hate the something too) but be a good sport. That’s what I tell my kiddos. Be friendly, we welcoming, be loving, and you will teach those who are close to you about what love and friendship is. It’s still hard. I am still staring down a pile of dirty laundry, and the clean ones need to be put away. DH needs to be prodded to help with laundry, but he does. I have to cook most meals, but now that summertime is here, the DH will cook lots of things outside on the “man grill.” My house is too small, but we are saving up to remodel in a few years. Don’t remind your DH of his shortcomings, like how he forgot to get milk at the store last month, but bought 20 things not on the list, all junk! He’s a man. He can’t help it. Think caveman, grunt grunt. Hunter/gatherer vs nurturer. They like to hunt, we like to hug. I have to push to get my DH to attend a school function (parent/teacher conf, etc.), but he’s there helping the kids with their school project every time. Be a sweetie to your caveman DH, and he will build you a fire to keep you warm and to cuddle next to. I swear, the older my man get, the harder it is to get him to sit nice and offer to rub my feet! Midlife crisis for men is a real thing. They think they are going to die next week and they haven’t played with all their toys yet or something? Geesh! They don’t know that we have real problems!!!! In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I write in a tongue-in-cheek style. Wow, I can’t believe I wrote all this. I guess you inspired me to express myself. I do hope the DH doesn’t ever read this, especially the intimate confession stuff…. nah, he won’t. He hardly knows how to turn the computer on! But I am not going back to erase anything. Look, I don’t know you, and I just read your blog for the first time today, but I wish you all the best. You sound troubled, but I hope you can figure out how to climb that damn ladder! There’s lots of good stuff waiting for you at the top! Take care, Kim.

  8. @ la- *waving back* Glad you stopped by, dear. 🙂

    @ AmyL aka earnestparent- I love you too, sweetheart. I wish we lived closer so I could just hop over the fence and visit. I guess a trip down M-66 isn’t too bad. 😉 We WILL make those plans this summer.

    @ Arkay- LOL A very wise friend indeed. 🙂 Someone once told me that a balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Thank you for the very kind comments.

    @ Greybeard- I guess I’m afraid of sliding down that darn ladder and messing everything up again. Thanks, dear, for the sweet comment. I need that right now.

    @ JavaQueen- I know logically I’m not alone, but it’s hard when I start thinking about the people I miss and then it hits me so hard. Y’know I’m only 5 hours away from you. 🙂 LOL

    @FXSMom- You’re right- Exercise does do a world of good for me. I do need to get back on that because I do remember feeling a lot better when I was more active. I still feel sore at the tummy area, though, when I go for long walks. I guess I’ll take shorter walks more often. Thanks for reminding me of what works. 🙂

    @ Casdok- Thanks, dear. I hope I find my way, too. We both are on a journey of sorts, aren’t we?

    @ Kim- WOW what a first comment!!! First, thanks for stopping by and reading my blog. You are very insightful and I thank you very much for your input. 🙂

  9. Ok, Kim, holy shit, what a comment.
    Bearmomma, you knows we luvs ya! I have a hell of a time with reality friends, not a bad time on their part, but when I’m down, I just don’t want to deal with anyone. But, I am sure it is good to make that step outside the shell, and get physically interactive with a face to face friend, it is one more step up on the ladder ring.
    Peace and a triple hug good vibe combo coming your way.

  10. I’m always longing for a personal email or a comment on my blog that tells me that someone is reading what I’m writing, or someone is thinking about me and thinks what I’m doing is good.

    Don’t feel bad. My blog has been around since July 2006 and blogs that popped up this year get more comments than I do. You’re doing fine.

  11. Reading…loving you…glad we got to connect a little the other night.

    ((((((((hugs))))))))

    And a trip MUST be planned soon…

    MB

  12. Hi BearTwinsMom,

    I got thinking about my overly-long post, and I don’t want you to think that I am some know-it-all. Reading your posts got me thinking. You only mentioned DH a few times, but when you do he is usually helping out with kids or something. You never mention anything bad, so I just figure he must be a regular guy with a depressed wife, trying to cope the best he can. The other thing I noticed is that you don’t ever mention your family. I got the twins part down, obviously they are #1 with you, but where’s everyone else? Where’s the closest members of your immediate family? Look, I suffered some deep depression in the early ’90s when I DH was in accident at work, and then lost his job. And, there were other things… you know, the when-it-rains-it-pours concept. I was really removed from my hubby, and he was angry at the world anyways. We had two little girls at the time, and not much support from anyone else. I think something struck a chord with me when I read your “climb the ladder” comment. For me, I could not climb alone, and I had to enlist my family to help (Mostly DH), even though they (and he) were not very good at it. But they knew it was “Love me now, or you might lose me”, and we rebuilt the bonds that attracted us to each other in the first place. I’m sorry to be such a buttinsky in your blog, but it just bugs me when all depressed people do is talk about how depressed they are! Negative breeds negative! Sorry if I offended you. I do mean well, and wish you all the best.
    Kim

  13. Hey BTM, talks all you want, we here to listen. It’s good to vent and compare notes on survival with us other loons, keeps ya mental healthy, which I know you know.
    Yes indeed. Go Wings!!!

  14. The bottom of the pit sucks. Admit that, acknowledge you are there, and know that it will change. My therapist reminds me of that when I’m in the pit. It sucks. I’m there. It’s always changed in the past. It will likely change again. Usually that helps me–the concept that this moment is only temporary. I don’t need to get through tomorrow or next week, I just need to hang on for the next minute and then go from there.
    Don’t know if that will help, but I hope something in there strikes a chord. I know this moment is temporary, Michelle, and I look forward to reading about many good moments in the future on your blog.
    Take good care of you-
    etta

  15. I *heart* you ~m!!! I hope you continue to write how you feel. That’s what a blog is all about. It’s YOUR place. Yours, you own it and it’s so good for you! I know what you mean about having someone tell you “you’re not alone” and it doesn’t really bring you comfort because when you are down, you are down. I wish there were something I could do to make you feel better! 😉

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