In search of self-awareness…

Since I’ve been seeing a therapist, I’ve been doing a lot more introspection. I ask myself many times why I do something, why I think the way I do, why I am close to crying for the 10th time today, and I am nowhere near finding an answer for either question.

Today, I was supposed to go to a school board retreat to help revise the boys’ school’s mission statement. I got to the location where the retreat was, and found out that the retreat was cancelled two weeks ago and no one told me. Needless to say, I was quite upset. Today is also the same day as DH’s college alumni jazz band reunion concert, AND the boys’ have a birthday party to go to. Can we say “scheduling nightmare”?

I called home and told DH that the retreat was cancelled, and that I was going to come home. He said to not do that, to just come to town to meet him and the boys at the auditorium for the band rehearsal. I was in tears all the way to town because I was feeling upset about not being notified about the cancelled meeting, the upset in my day, and now having to rearrange my day. I don’t like change…

Another thing I’m not too keen on is crowds. I don’t like being in a crowd of people that I don’t know. It’s bearable to a certain extent when it’s my family or being in class, but when it’s strangers, it’s unbearable, anxiety and anger-producing. I noticed my son Casey backing away from everyone before we entered the auditorium.

Noisy room… too many strangers… crowds… Gee, just like Momma. He got an angry look on his face and said “No, the food is supposed to be out here. I’m staying out here.” So I said, “You can either come with me, or we can find a quiet place to go.” Meanwhile, I’m silently thinking, “I feel the same way, too, kid. I don’t want to be here, either.”‘ Luckily, one of the stage workers overheard us and told me that there was a study lounge down the hall with chairs and vending machines. It was a perfect place for Casey (and me) to regroup.

When we got to the study lounge, I asked Casey, “Why didn’t you want to go in the auditorium? It’s going to be loud and noisy at the bowling alley when you go to the birthday party later.”

Casey thought for a moment, looked at me and said, “Momma, it’s because at the party, I’ll know people there.”

Wow. Seven years old and he already knows that about himself. It’s taken me 30 years to learn that about myself.


6 responses

  1. I hate crowds too, but I’m the opposite. I’d rather it be a crowd full of strangers than a crowd of people I know. If it’s people I know, I’ll most likely have to talk. If it’s strangers, no one will talk to me.

    BTW you posted a comment on my blog about me making you feel old… I don’t think 38 is old, but my coworkers said it was. My mom is nearing 50, so if I thought 38 was old, I’d have to think she was really old. LOL

  2. I feel the same about a lot of the things you said.

    And sometimes I think children say the most articulate things because our minds are too full and complicated to say exactly what they mean. Smart kid πŸ˜‰

  3. @natalie- Yes, he is a smart one. Think I’ll keep him around a while. πŸ˜‰ Thanks for visiting!

    @BPD- Crowds just annoy the heck out of me. I get really irritated and angry when I have to deal with crowds. Glad you think that 38 is not old, because my sons think it is! LOL 8)

    @Greybeard- Thanks. πŸ™‚ It was an amazing moment to hear Casey say that.

  4. Are you my long lost twin? Don’t feel bad about it taking long to figure out how you feel about stuff. I’m still learning and the best thing about that is (drum roll please) we can encourage our kids to embrace and learn who they are EARLIER than we did. My kids know who they are (to an extent, we all have growing to do) and it makes me happy that they’ll have that advantage that I sure didn’t.

    It gives me peace to know they wont be as tortured as I have been? Meaning, just miserable trying to figure out why I don’t feel the same as everyone else? Does that make sense?

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