If you haven’t figured out by now, I have a very bad case of depression. I’ve been dealing with this monster for almost all my life, but it has gotten exponentially worse since I’ve become a mom. I don’t know if it’s linked to my hormone changes, now the lack of hormones since I’ve had my hysterectomy, the stress of having a special needs child, going to graduate school, or all of the above. I’m pretty sure it’s all of the above and then some.
Money also has been a huge contributor to my level of depression. Actually, lack of money is more appropriate. My DH was laid off from his job 5 years ago that he was loyally employed for 13 years, worked part-time, then got hired full-time for the part-time job he was doing. We’re still struggling financially from that huge financial setback. Since we decided that I should still be the stay-at-home-mom because for me to go back to work while he was working would mean that we would have to pay for child care. That just didn’t make sense to us since we were so financially strapped in the first place; I would just be working to pay for child care.
Luckily, the place where DH is employed is a university, so that’s how I’ve been able to go back to school to work on my dual Master’s degrees. Full-time employees get up to 8 credit hours free as one of their benefits.
Life with autism has been nothing but one battle after another. My one twin son has high functioning autism, and some days are good, but when it’s an off-day, it’s a day from hell. Today with the time change (Daylight Savings Time), and with him being sick over the weekend, every little thing turns into World War III. Honestly, these are the days when I am fed up with autism, tired of the battles, the absolute need for structure, and I just want to run away.
So is it any wonder why I feel so empty, why I feel like I’m going to break?