One step forward, a thousand steps back

If you haven’t figured out by now, I have a very bad case of depression. I’ve been dealing with this monster for almost all my life, but it has gotten exponentially worse since I’ve become a mom. I don’t know if it’s linked to my hormone changes, now the lack of hormones since I’ve had my hysterectomy, the stress of having a special needs child, going to graduate school, or all of the above. I’m pretty sure it’s all of the above and then some.

Money also has been a huge contributor to my level of depression. Actually, lack of money is more appropriate. My DH was laid off from his job 5 years ago that he was loyally employed for 13 years, worked part-time, then got hired full-time for the part-time job he was doing. We’re still struggling financially from that huge financial setback. Since we decided that I should still be the stay-at-home-mom because for me to go back to work while he was working would mean that we would have to pay for child care. That just didn’t make sense to us since we were so financially strapped in the first place; I would just be working to pay for child care.

Luckily, the place where DH is employed is a university, so that’s how I’ve been able to go back to school to work on my dual Master’s degrees. Full-time employees get up to 8 credit hours free as one of their benefits.

Life with autism has been nothing but one battle after another.  My one twin son has high functioning autism, and some days are good, but when it’s an off-day, it’s a day from hell. Today with the time change (Daylight Savings Time), and with him being sick over the weekend, every little thing turns into World War III. Honestly, these are the days when I am fed up with autism, tired of the battles, the absolute need for structure, and I just want to run away.

So is it any wonder why I feel so empty, why I feel like I’m going to break?


8 responses

  1. Can you get respite for them?? I know not all areas have it (mine doesn’t) but it may help for your sanity to see if it is offered there.

    I hope things ease up soon. This stress is massively taking a toll on you. 😦

  2. We do have a respite program through our Community Mental Health. Problem is that I have to find my own babysitter, and that is hard in these parts. The one babysitter that both boys love is incredibly busy and will be graduating college this May. We did have one sitter come when I was recovering from my surgery and she did not click with the boys, especially Casey. I was not too thrilled with her.

    Good idea on the respite, but difficult to work out. 😦

  3. Hi,

    AmyL (our mutual friend) pointed me in your direction. I am a SAHM for three girls, the two oldest with special needs, my middle daughter, aged almost 10, has Asperger’s (much like HFA).

    I have felt more than lost on many occasions and can completely relate to how overwhelmed you are feeling. There have been days when I’ve just sat and cried and wanted nothing more than to just pack a little bag and leave. But, I knew that would make me a bad Mom, and only that little fact kept me in place. I end up feeling so pathetic on those days.

    I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone. Even though it may feel lonely, there are others (me! me!) out here battling to stay on top, too.

    I’ve felt many of your struggles; from my dh losing his job in ’04 to his return to school (CMU, actually) to finish his Masters in Humanities, to the constant struggles with schools, IEPs, and various mental health agencies, and then the everyday rigidity of Asperger’s . . . well, somedays are better than others, ya know?

    (((hugs))) Hang in there. I feel ya.

  4. Respite? Yes wouldn’t that be a fine thing….we don’t have that either. My husband’s mother will take them one week a year if we beg her, and she whines about having to deal with all three at once. (Of course she has her two NT granddaughters all the time and life is just glorious, dontcha know…don’t get me started!)

    I haven’t been here before, but it sounds like you’ve got a lot going for you…with your education and family, even if it’s tough some times. There’s a community here to help cheer you on. Lao Tzu says, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.” Just deal with one step at a time. *nod* That’s what helps me.

  5. AmyL- Thanks, sweetie. Wish we were closer so I could get a hug in person.

    Angie- Thanks for stopping by to visit, and thanks for the affirmation that I am not alone in this feeling. Hugs for you!

    awalkabout- One step at a time would be great, but I’m getting trampled on here. BTW, I love your avatar. It is so cool!

  6. I’ve been a mum (spelt the NZ way!!) of two special needs children (one of whom died 2 yrs ago) and have been lucky enough to have had regular respite. And still I struggle. It’s not easy, eh.

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