Before I became a mother, I vowed to myself that I would be the Perfect Mother. I would be better than my mother. I wouldn’t let my kids believe that I didn’t love them, didn’t want them, or let others hurt them. I would never let them think that nothing they did was never good enough, or make them feel like they were stupid. I was driven to overcome all of what my mother did to me. I did not want my children to grow up with the same hole in my soul that I have.
In this royal quest of being the Perfect Mother, I have realized that as much as I work hard at being the Perfect Mother, I still fall short massively. I still lose my temper. I am not very patient (although I am getting better). My house is not clean all the time. I do not look like I stepped out of a magazine with freshly pressed trousers and a string of pearls around my neck while I happily do chores around the house. I do not have a immaculate car while the kids are being toted to whatever activity they want to do.
My life is chaotic at best. I have twins. I’m a graduate student. I’m a “stay-at-home-mom” (although I rarely stay home because I’m always running around!). One of my sons is autistic, so I also take the role of case manager along with being the mom. Our life is constantly being thrown curveball after curveball.
But, I still yearn for perfection. I want that clean house. I desire that freshly-pressed look (will someone please nominate me for What Not to Wear?? LOL), the never-raise-a-voice-to-my-children manner, and the patience to weather everything that is thrown my way.
My sons know I love them. I read to them every day. I take them places. I always go above and beyond what I think I have to do in order to prove that I can do it, that I am that image of Perfection that I so desperately want to be.
Is the Perfect Mother a reality, something that can be attained? So, what is a Perfect Mother? Does she embrace her imperfections and still call it “perfect”? In my quest for Perfection, everything is Imperfect. At what point do I just let go and accept myself as the Best Mom I can Be? Is this quest for Perfection going to consume me too much to the point where I can’t enjoy my children and enjoy being a mom?
That is my fear. I don’t want to not enjoy being in the moment, but this Quest for Perfection does steal a lot of the joy out of my life.