Ah… bedtime!

It will be really nice for me to be able to write again. It’s been years since I’ve written in a journal, much less anything beyond a quick email or a grocery list. I have been feeling very limited in my writing skills, and it has been frustrating since I’m a former English teacher who LOVED teaching writing.

Today was one of those recouperate-from-travelling days. The boys, Jeff and I went across the state to pick up a new used truck for Jeff. It was Jeff’s grandpa’s old truck, which hasn’t been driven in over 2 years. It’s an older truck, but it still runs well (a HUGE improvement from the old white beater truck; I hated that truck). It just needs new brake lines and some adjustment to the steering. Nothing like hearing about how loose the steering is from your father-in-law the next day after driving back home. Ack.

So of course on a recouperating day, the boys are off the wall. We visited a couple with whom I went to college and their two girls. The oldest girl is about 3 years older than my boys and she does play well with them……for the most part. She is used to being the one to tell the younger ones what to do, and Kerry and Casey didn’t take too well to that, especially coming from a GIRL. The thing that cracked me up the most was that Kylie is 7 years old and Casey is about 1/2 inch shorter than her. She’s a little over 4 feet tall. Yes, I have very tall boys….. and I get the looks at the grocery store when they act like their age and not their size.

The past couple of days I have been feeling really out-of-sorts, like I really don’t know where I belong. I did belong to one online Michigan-based scrapbooking group, and I felt like I really didn’t fit there. It just felt to me like one big clique, with most of the girls RAK’ing each other (Random Acts of Kindness- little gifts sent to people), and I just don’t have the money to be doing that. Plus, it was a very swap-based group and I have sworn myself off swaps not only for the financial aspect but for the stress aspect as well. It just stresses me out to make a page kit for someone and I want to be perfect, so I take so much time working on it that the whole experience is not enjoyable. I was once a part of an online scrapbooking group for people who have a twin/multiples connection and I was chronically late on my swaps, which didn’t make me feel good and it wasn’t fair for everyone else in the swap group.

Anyway, back to the point. I am a SAHM who lives in a VERY rural area. Any activities are at least a 1/2 hour drive from here. My boys are constantly wanting me to entertain them and on most days I will play with them. But on days like how I’ve been feeling lately, I just want to curl up into my shell and not have anyone bother me. It’s just a paradox- I WANT and long to be close to people, to experience that emotional closeness that comes from a strong friendship, but yet I have such a hard time reaching out when I need friends the most. When I visited my friends yesterday, I felt whole again. Like I finally found that closeness again from being with people that I care about and who care about me.

I do struggle with depression and anxiety. It has been incredibly rough the past 2 years, especially since Jeff got laid off from his full-time job. I’ve been going to a social worker at least twice a month and I’m on antidepressant medications to help with the anxiety/depression. It just feels like some days it would be better to be numb.

The boys are FINALLY in bed. I let them watch “Dancing with the Stars” on Weds. nights since it such a family-friendly show, and the boys LOVE music and dancing. Unfortunately, that means a late bedtime, but on the upside that means that (hopefully) they will sleep in the next morning. Now that the dancing show is over, it will be back to regular bedtimes for the boys. Well… as regular as I can get it during the summer (darn Daylight Savings Time).

I have a lot to learn about this website, so I’ll be playing around here trying to figure settings and options out. If something looks too out of whack, please let me know.

I’m really looking forward to writing again.

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